


How do I stop falling?

by wtfidekanymore



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor is stuck whoops, Crushing, Falling In Love, M/M, Multi, emotioal conflict, kind of a vent, kinda???, poetry????, sorry - Freeform, unedited
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-24 16:22:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15634329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wtfidekanymore/pseuds/wtfidekanymore
Summary: Connor liked two people. Two boys, at the same time.Now, he didn't think it was wrong, not at all. He knew there were plenty of people in relationships like that but he felt morally wrong for feeling this way.





	1. Chapter 1

Connor liked two people. Two boys, at the same time. 

Now, he didn't think it was wrong, not at all. He knew there were plenty of people in relationships like that but he felt morally wrong for feeling this way. 

You would say he was half way there by now. He was dating one already. Jared. 

Now Jared made him laugh. Made him happy. Jared made Connor believe in himself in a way he hadn't before. He'd point out the good and admirable parts of his personality.

Jared had told him once that he had a nice laugh. Connor disagreed obviously but he let Jared think what he wanted. But Jared continued to bring it up. Constantly, and now Connor didn't mind laughing in front of people anymore. 

Jared said Connor was Beautiful. Handsome. Cute. Adorable. Gorgeous. Jared said Connor was the first and only person to make him feel so passionately and strongly about anyone before. 

Connor would say he felt the same. At least a few months ago. 

Don't get him wrong, Connor obviously felt passionate about Jared. Very much so. Jared's smile was intoxicating. If Jared smiled, you smiled with him, that was the rules. Connor supposed that's how none of Jared's jokes failed completely. At least one person would always laugh.  
Whenever Jared went on one of his many tangents about something he enjoyed, truly enjoyed, Connor couldn't help but listen. Jared wouldn't admit it to anyone else but he had loved anime at one point and Connor had never really watched much. If any. So when Connor pointed at one of the pins Jared had he went on an honest to God, half hour tangent about My Hero Academia. Connor couldn't remember any of the character's names. All he could remember was how raspy Jared's voice was. All he could remember was Jared's laugh as he listed of facts easily about every power each character had.  
Jared's eyes were warm. Connor could be feeling absolutely awful and all Jared would have to do is say his name and look at him. Connor would look back and see those warm, chocolate eyes that melted any anger away at a snap. Jared would hug him then and Connor fucking loved those with all his heart. Jared was just so soft and warm. He could get Connor to go from needing to punch something to falling asleep in 10 minutes flat and that was a feat. Jared's tanned skin and soft hair haunted his dreams and let Connor have peaceful nights of sleep.

Whenever Jared was sad Connor would try his best to make that wet tear stained face smile again. If Connor was to blame Jared's insecurities on anyone it would be Jared's mom. She trapped him inside what she wanted for him. What she wanted of him and Connor thinks that's why Jared acts out at school. He doesn't have a mom stopping him there. If he wanted to brag about doing something his mother would never let him do he could. Jared told Connor once that he didn't think he was admirable. He didn't think any traits about him were lovable. Connor shut that down immediately. 

Connor was a secret to Jared's family. All apart from his younger brother but Connor didn't mind that. He enjoyed listening to the two siblings talking about memes. T posing to 'show dominance or taking ironic photos in the mirrors in stores. Jared always looked so happy and Connor was glad Jared could have such a healthy relationship with his brother. It made Connor happy to see Jared happy.

Jared made Connor happy. Of that, Connor was certain. 

But afterward Connor had started spending time with Jared's friend Evan. 

Evan was, you could say, Jared's opposite when it came to looks. Jared was short. Evan was taller. Jared had ebony hair. Evan was blond. Jared had brown eyes. Evan had green eyes. 

And that set an even balance in Connor's mind that he liked.

Evan Hansen made Connor feel warm things. Evan's smile was bright. It wasn't bright like the movie's show it. It wasn't a beaming light with soft hues around it. When Evan smiled it made Connor's heart skip a beat and suddenly he was calm. Suddenly he wanted to hold Evan as close as possible. 

Evan could sing too. Evan could sing like an angel. Sometimes the three of them would be on a call together and Evan would start singing. Anything he could sing and Connor would melt. His voice was smooth but then he would rasp it gently at the end of a note and suddenly Connor's chest was tight.  
Whenever Evan sang Jared and Connor would both point it out and say how angelic it was and that made Evan flustered. Which Connor loved.

Evan also had two cacti called Connor and Jared and that itself was just so cute.  
Connor remembered how once Evan complained that 'Connor' was wilting and Connor had laughed and said, "Mood."  
"No." Evan had said with a small laugh that shot Connor directly in the heart and Jared had joined in which didn't help Connor's situation at all.  
"No that is not a mood." Jared added,  
"It's illegal now."  
"Yeah it's illegal." Jared had agreed and Connor snickered, disagreeing  
"No it's allowed I'm doing it."  
"N-no." Evan laughed a little again.  
Fuck.  
"Connor you're going to jail."  
"What no I'm not."  
"Yeah." Jared confirmed his previous statement. "You're mooding an illegal thing."

Connor loved moments like that.

Other moments like that happens too.

"Connor come cuddle." Jared mumbled from the couch in his house. Connor had made a small whine sound because goddamnit Jared's voice was just too good. 

He laid down with Jared then and once his arm was around Connor's waist Connor felt warm. 

He couldn't describe it as feeling warm anymore... what was it? 

He felt like he was sinking. 

But then when Evan had walked in Connor wanted to pull Evan in with him.  
"You know what would make this situation better?" Connor had started 

"If our acorn joined us?" Jared suggested.

Connor was just about to say if Evan joined but everything Jared had said just then was perfect  
"Yeah exactly."

"No wait you can't- you can't say that no-"

Jared just snickered and nodded "cmere tree boy." And Evan did and they all cuddled then and there and Connor loved it.

However Connor couldn't love it. He shouldn't.

He knew very well how Jared felt about polyamorous relationships. He had told him in the beginning that Jared couldn't imagine sharing Connor with anyone. He had no problem with other people in polyamorous relationships but Jared's insecurities beat him here. He would always believe he wasn't good enough for Connor and Connor didn't want that. Connor didn't want Jared to feel insecure and then get mad at Connor because he made him feel that way.

Sometimes Connor thought about what it'd be like if the two of them were with Connor. Connor would think of the late night talks together, cuddles and hours of laughter. Connor would think about Evan and Jared hugging. Jared and Evan being affectionate toward each other. Laughing with each other and fuck...

If they kissed Connor doesn't think he'd be able to take it.

But Connor wasn't allowed to feel these things because he would hurt Jared. He'd probably hurt Evan.

Things were okay now.

Connor loved two people. Two boys, at the same time.

And he wanted to stop himself from falling farther.


	2. Chapter 2

Oh no this was bad.

This was really really bad.

Every time they interacted it felt like they were dating. Connor would give Evan hugs that must be far far far too long for friendship's standards. By now they were definitely cuddles. Jared would join in too. They would all fucking cuddle. 

And it was killing Connor. It was fun when it happened. For a brief moment Connor could think that this was real and it existed. 

When they were on calls Jared would say they'd go to jail and in reality that would be a cuddle pile. Jared would say  
"Oh- Evan's going to jail now." Evan would complain until Connor would impulsively say,   
"No it's okay cause now me and Evan can cuddle in jail."

That was so fucking obviously gay. Very fucking gay. But Jared would say, "Aw."  
And Connor would go along with it. When this happened Evan just made small whine sounds which by the way, were way way way too cute. Far too cute.

Once on a call, Connor accidentally made a kiss sound, like blew a kiss, at Evan over the phone. It slipped out and he had no idea why or how. Jared was there too. They both said it was okay. How or why? 

It really felt like they were together.

Fuck Jared even said they were his boys! 

How the fuck was Connor meant to ignore that?

What was Jared doing...? Connor wondered that all the time. Connor knew- Evan knew, how Jared felt. 

Jared couldn't personally handle a polyamorous relationship and Connor and Evan both knew that.

The only reason Connor knew this was that...   
Well, Evan and Connor both knew how Connor felt.

Connor knew how Evan felt. It broke Connor's heart. 

From what Evan had told Connor on their own calls or through texts. He loved them both too. 

Connor and Evan both were in the same situation and it broke Connor to know Evan was hurting. Double to how he was.   
At least Connor had Jared! Evan didn't... even thought he couldn't.

Evan said to Connor once, "Thank you for showing me what love is."  
"Pain and suffering?"  
"Well I mean..." Evan let out one of those self pitiful laughs. Y'know those ones you hear when you know that person is think, 'Fuck you're right and I hate it.'  
"I want to show you the good things too..."  
"I-I know..."   
"I'm sorry Evan."

Connor liked having heartfelt conversations like this with Evan. It meant he could at least let some of his problems out to someone. They talked about everything. Weird family quirks, dads, bees.

Yes.

Bees.

Evan once sent Connor a post and said.  
'This is us.'

The post had read that if you put a bee in a freezer it'll fall asleep. The put it in your mouth and when it wakes up you'll have a bee in your mouth.  
Someone replied, 'why the fuck would I do that' 

Evan said that was Connor and it was just too cute. 

Connor felt like he thought about Evan too much.

Connor even thought about Evan in he wrong situations.

'Wrong.'

It shouldn't be wrong but it felt that way.

If Jared and Connor were ever... getting intimate. If Jared never fulfilled everything Connor wanted Connor would imagine Evan along side them and it let him finish.  
That doesn't mean he didn't love Jared anymore. He adored Jared so much. You read what was in the last chapter.  
Jared was his everything  
Evan was his everything too.

Evan and Jared have him the balance he needed and wanted. As selfish as that sounded.

Connor felt warm and fluffy when Jared gave him kisses and hugs. Connor felt like he could honestly melt.

"Jared?"

"Yeah?" 

They were laid on the bed. It was dark out and it had been for a while but Connor was too deep in thought. He didn't expect Jared to be awake too.

"I love you."

"I love you more." Jared laughed and Connor could feel it on the nape of his neck. Connor's chest sent shivers up his spine with another chuckle.

"Not possible." Connor countered as he pulled Jared's arm closer with his hand.

He loved moments like this. Adored them. He just wished Evan could walk in and join them. 

He wished it could be like that.

**Author's Note:**

> I just wrote this in a spree and honestly had no idea where I was going. I just spilled thoughts onto paper. Digital paper.
> 
> \- Connor.


End file.
